Complete Hazel Performances

                                                      scroll all the way down for altercations


DATE        LOCALE         CLUB                  APPEARING WITH                              great show - all ages - missing


2/14/92      portland           handprints            bedspins, crackerbash, joybuzzer                       g              a

2/22                  "                satyricon              pond, ?                                                                g

(3 months off)

6/3 ?                 "                jiffysquid             sugarboom, ?                                                                       a

6/6                    "                handprints           jesus truck repair, jolly mon, drunk at abi's                         a

(1 month off)

 7/10                  "                jiffysquid            crackerbash, spinanes                                         g               a

7/12                   "                x-ray                   village idiot, drunk at abi's                                                  a

7/15                   "                rockcandy           antenna, cracker                                                  g              a

7/17           olympia             uncola                 iceburn, suckdog, calamity jane                         g               a

7/26           portland              cosmos (house party)                                                                                    a

7/30                 "                   x-ray                  apegrave, giant anguish machine                        g              a

8/2                   "                   satyricon            trailerqueen, sugarboom, spinanes

8/8                   "                   aimfest               (many)                                                                                a

8/13                 "                   rockcandy          posies, gnome                                                    g               a

8/14                 "                   clinton street      (cavalcade of bands - last pariahs et al)                              a

8/21                 "                   belmont's           sugarboom, whirlees

8/23                 "                   x-ray                  lupo, arcweld, trailerqueen                                                              a

8/30                 "                   reed                    alpha-jerks, thirty-ought-six                                                            a

9/4                   "                   handprints          m-99, calamity jane                                                                         a

9/11                 "                   x-ray                  treehouse                                                                                         a

9/11 too           "                   melody lane       (puddlestomp: completely grocery et al)                                          a

9/14                 "                   aladdin               bop girls go calypso, resist, shredded lettuce                                   a

9/18                 "                   psu                                                                                                                             a

9/18 too           "                   rockcandy           sprinkler, dharma bums                                                   g             a

9/20                 "                   x-ray                   sean croghan                                                                                   a

10/6            seattle                crocodile             god & texas, lungfish                                                      g              a

10/10          portland            reed                     crayon, pavement                                                                             a            f

10/17                "                 rockcandy            spinanes, babes in toyland                                               g              a

10/24          salem                keizer lions          supersuckers, mr.flood's party                                                          a

10/30          portland            satyricon              heatmiser, trailerqueen, pond                                           g

11/1                 "                  scream                  flounder, sprinkler, hitting birth                                                       a

11/6                 "                  x-ray                     motorgoat, joybuzzer, sloth                                                             a

11/20               "                  belmont's               sone, heatmiser

11/21               "                  rockcandy             pond, sprinkler (lamefest)                                                                a

11/22         portland            marriot                   (pma awards - calvin walker et al)                                                   a

12/4           olympia            capitol theater         unwound, atomic 61                                                        g              a

12/5           bellingham       up & up                  crayon

12/10         seattle               offramp                  engine kid, sage                                                               g

12/11         portland            x-ray                      jim boyer, digby                                                                               a          j

12/13             "                   scream                    lovebutt, trailerqueen                                                                       a

 (1 month layoff)

1/16/93          "                    x-ray                     junket, bügsküll, daniel menche                                                       a

1/23           seattle               (some house)         (mark seliger photo shoot)                                                                a

1/23 too     portland            satyricon                apegrave, unwound, some velvet sidewalk

1/24                "                  KBOO                                                                                                                            a

1/29                "                  psu                                                                                                                                  a

1/30           salem                keizer lions             pond                                                                                                a

1/31           portland            jiffysquid                sone, watershed down                                                                     a

2/3             bellingham        showoff                  dune buggy                                                                      g             a

2/4             vancouver         cruel elephant          seed, wicked swim dogs

2/5             seattle               weathered wall         pond, stink                                                                       g            a

2/7             portland            roundhouse records                                                                                                        a

2/7 too           "                   x-ray                        last pariahs, giant anguish machine                                                 a

2/9             eugene              john henry's             funnelhead, crayon

2/13           san francisco    the bridge                 pond, fastbacks, velocity girl                                                          a

2/14           los angeles       al's                            bomb, zipgun                                                                    g

2/16                  "                jabberjaw                  dirtclodfight, zipgun                                                                      a

2/17                  "                raji's                         loser                                                                                  g

2/18            long beach      bogart's                     pinch

2/20            san francisco  chameleon                 starpimp, nitropit                                                              g

2/26            portland          la luna                       sprinkler, motorgoat                                                                       a

2/27            seattle             crocodile                   alcohol funnycar, ?                                                                                     f

3/6              portland          la luna                       heatmiser, trailerqueen                                                    g            a

3/11            chicago           lounge axe                sebalon glitz, pete o'leary                                                g

3/12            ann arbor        the lab                       dumpster juice, ?                                                             g            a

3/13            columbus        bernie's                     ?                                                                                                    a

3/18            hoboken          maxwell's                  screeching weasel                                                          g

3/19            port chester      the beat                     ghostshirts

3/20            boston              middle east               snaky acid kiss, hullabaloo

3/21            westport           holy trinity               vicious funk, mighty stir g a

3/23            nyc                   cbgb                         workson blue, 1900boxx, l.i.r., GJA                             g

3/24            d.c.                  15 minutes                popslops

3/25            oberlin              s.u.                           ?                                                                                                    a

3/27            denver               7 south                     cavity, spell                                                                   g

4/8              portland            madison high            completely grocery                                                                       a

4/10            salem                keizer lions               digby, havoc kow, everclear                                                    g             a

4/16            bellingham        ?                               ?

4/16 too      bellingham        showoff                    zipgun                                                                            g             a

4/17            seattle                colorbox                   zipgun, kill sibyl

4/24            portland             x-ray                         alpha jerks, surf maggots, 30.06                                   g            a

5/1                    "                  reed                           surf maggots, thirty ought six                                                     a

 (5/3-13 recording toreador of love)

5/14            portland            satyricon                   rotor, thirty ought six

5/18            seattle                oz                              sugar, grant lee buffalo                                                                a          f

5/20            portland            la luna                       sugar, grant lee buffalo                                                  g             a

5/22                 "                  lewis & clark             5 fingers of funk, daddies                                                             a          f

5/28             corvallis           starker arts                ?                                                                                                    a

5/29             portland           valley catholic            elaine summers, hitting birth                                                        a

6/4               olympia            capitol theater            girl with 100 heads, ?                                                    g             a

6/12             portland            la luna                       sone, surf maggots, thirty ought six                                              a

6/18                   "                 x-ray                         ? (jilted release party)                                                     g             a

6/19             george, wash.   lollapalooza               (tool, mercury rev et al)                                                 g             a

6/26             seattle               langston hughes        shaven, sunny day real estate                                                        a

6/28             portland            x-ray                         ? (jeremy's birthday)                                                                     a

7/3                      "                la luna                        crackerbash, ?                                                                g            a

(1 month layoff) 

8/10                    "               x-ray                          ?                                                                                                   a

8/13             pullman           (a house)                    ?                                                                                                   a          f

8/14             renton              ?                                 ?                                                                                                  a          f

8/21             portland           la luna                        kurtz project, zipgun                                                                   a

8/22             seattle              horiuchi mural            fastbacks, best kissers in the world                                             a

8/22 too           "                  crocodile                     spinanes                                                                        g

9/3                   "                  crocodile                     crackerbash                                                                                            f

9/4              bellingham       showoff                       ?                                                                                                 a          f

9/5              portland           clinton street                heatmiser, starhustler, bügsküll                                                   a

9/8                    "                 ozone records                                                                                                                 a

9/10            eugene              john henry's                 crayon, dunebuggy                                                                               f

9/11            portland            outside-in                    (benefit: billy k, hitting birth, et al)                                          a

9/11 too            "                 la luna                          gaunt, new bomb turks, crayon                                               a

9/15            salt lake city     dv-8                              meices                                                                                                f

9/16            fort collins       tanq's                            meices                                                                                                 f

9/18            lawrence           outhouse                      lunachix                                                                                             f

9/19            lincoln              duffy's                          god & texas, meices                                                                           f

9/20            des moines       hairy mary's                  new bomb turks, gaunt                                                                      f

9/21            iowa city           gabe's                           poster children                                                                                   f

9/22            minneapolis      uptown                         brown star                                                                                         f

9/23            madison            dewash                         poster children                                                                                  f

9/25            chicago             lounge axe                    polvo, sebalon glitz                                                      g                  f

9/26            columbus          staches                          tar                                                                                                    f

9/27            cleveland           euclid                            tar                                                                                                   f

9/28            d.c.                   15 minutes                     eggs                                                                                                f

9/29            philadelphia      khyber pass                   ?                                                                                                      f

10/1            boston              middle east                    ?                                                                                                       f

10/2            nyc                   cbgb                              royal trux, ?                                                                 g

10/5            baltimore          8x10                              spinanes                                                                                          f

10/6            richmond          metro                             spinanes                                                                                          f

10/7            durham             duke                              spinanes                                                                              a          f

10/8            hampton           the insect                        spinanes                                                                                         f

10/9            charlotte            milestone                       spinanes                                                                                         f

10/11          athens               hoyt street                      spinanes                                                                                          f

10/12          pensacola          sluggo's                         spinanes                                                                                          f

10/13          mobile               vincent van gogo            spinanes                                                                                         f

10/14          houston             emo's                             spinanes, love battery                                                                      f

10/16          austin                emo's                             spinanes                                                                                          f

10/20          albuquerque      golden west                    all u can eat                                                                                     f

10/21          tempe                hollywood alley             puppet show                                                                                    f

10/22          san diego           casbah                           velocity girl, tripping daisy                                                              f

10/23          long beach         bogart's                          popdefect, atomic 61                                                                       f

10/24          los angeles         kcrw                                                                                                                           a

10/24                 "                  auditorium                    dirtclodfight, buttrumpet, atomic 61                                      a

10/25                 "                  raji's                              magpie, hugh                                                           g

10/27          san jose              cactus club                    dirtclodfight                                                                                    f

10/28          sacramento         old ironsides                 pivot, 99 tales                                                                                  f

10/29          san francisco      bottom of hill                white horse, don caballero                                        g

10/30          fresno                 fsu                                supreme love gods                                                              a         f

11/5            seattle                 moore theater                sibyl vane, sky cries mary                                        g        a

11/6            portland              la luna                           new bad things, smog                                                        a

11/12                "                   psu                                                                                                                           a         f

11/19          bellingham         wwu                              crackerbash, dunebuggy, fat                                              a         f

11/20          seattle                 rckcndy                         stymie, crackerbash, knapsack                                                      f

11/27          salem                  mission mill                  thirty ought six                                                                              f

12/10          seattle                 weathered wall               gern blanston, thirty ought six                                 g                   f

12/11          portland              satyricon                       thirty ought six                                                                              f

12/18                "                   la luna                            heatmiser, crackerbash                                             g         a

 (1 month layoff)

1/28/94      san francisco       bottom of hill                 tina age 13, carlos, overwhelmingcolorfast               g

1/31            los angeles         ucla                                 i own the sky                                                                      a

2/1              costa mesa          our house                       dirtclodfight                                                            g          a

2/2              davis                   uc courtyard                                                                                                              a         f

2/11            seattle                 moe                                thirty ought six, sunny day real estate                      g

2/12            bellingham         showoff                          noggin, chronix                                                        g         a

2/13            vancouver           starfish room                  stovebolt

2/14            victoria               harpo's                            shutdown                                                                 x

2/19            portland             la luna                              soul rhythm soldiers, cool nutz, binchip                             a

2/21                  "                  laurelthirst                        galaxy trio                                                               x

 (2 month layoff)

4/16                  "                  captain bean's                   quasi, 10-4                                                                         a

5/10                  "                  mona's (luna)                   starpower                                                                           a

5/19            seattle                crocodile                          scrawl,  excuse 17                                                  g

5/20            portland             la luna                              scrawl, excuse 17, cher uk, small ball paul             g          a

6/1              corvallis             ?                                       butch lucky                                                                        a         f

6/6              portland             x-ray (video shoot)                                                                                                     a

6/19            seattle                velvet elvis                        satan's pilgrims, carmaeg deforest                                      a

6/26            portland             la luna                              satan's pilgrims, carmaeg deforest, 5-8                   g          a

7/10                  "                  satyricon                          sissyface

 (2 month layoff)

9/3             seattle                flag pavillion                     (bumbershoot: young fresh fellows et al)              g           a

9/9                   "                  ok hotel                            prose & concepts, critters buggin                           g           a

9/17           portland             la luna                               sufi mindgame, glowing corn, dead moon                           a

 (3 month layoff, we record are you going to eat that)

12/16               "                  la luna                                apegrave, m-99                                                      g           a

12/17          seattle               rckcndy                              juned, surf maggots                                              g           a

12/18          tacoma              mountaineers                     foxmange, surf maggots                                                    a

1/14/95       portland            madrona hill                      bügsküll, surf maggots                                         g           a

1/16                 "                  moody's                             (quick jerk video w/ faux hzl)                                            a

 (1 month layoff)

 2/16           eugene              wow hall                            molly cliff, plastic horn devil                                g            a

2/17            vancouver          denise's house                   thirty ought six                                                                  a        f

2/18            seattle                crocodile                            excuse 17, surf maggots

2/19            portland            paris theater                        excuse 17, molly cliff, toadrite                                           a

2/25            olympia             capitol theater                     schlong, ?                                                             g           a

3/6              seattle                showbox                            day i fell down, ken stringfellow, micheline                       a

3/10            dekalb               duke ellington                     squashblossom, veruca salt

3/11            indianapolis       vogue                                                       "                                                     x

3/12            cleveland           odeon                                                       "

3/13            grand rapids      (house)                               ?                                                                                        a      f

3/14            detroit                st. andrew's                         squashblossom, veruca salt                                  g

3/15            toronto              phoenix                                                    "

3/17            albany               saratoga winners                                       "                                                     g

3/18            boston               avalon                                                       "

3/19            providence        lupo's                                                        "

3/20            new haven         toad's                                                        "                                                     x

3/21            philadelphia      trocadero                                                   "                                                                           f

3/23            hoboken            maxwell's                            ?                                                                                                 f

3/24            nyc                    the academy                        squashblossom, veruca salt

3/25            d.c.                    w.u.s.t.                                                      "                                                                           f

3/26           norfolk               ?                                                                "                                                                           f

3/28           raleigh                the ritz                                                       "                                                                           f

3/29           charleston          music farm                                                 "                                                    g

3/31           atlanta                masquerade                                                "

4/1             st. petersburg     janus                                                          "                                                                           f

4/2             orlando              the edge                                                      "                                                     g

4/4             nashville            328 performance                                         "

4/5             columbus           newport                                                       "

4/7             champagne         mabel's                                                        "

4/8             chicago              riviera                                                          "

4/9                  "                    lounge axe                         motorhome, smackdab                                          g

 (6 month layoff)

10/28         portland             madrona hill                       quasi, rollerball, maroons                                                  a

(2 month layoff)

12/16               "                   la luna                                stric 9, 151, sleater-kinney                                    g          a

12/20          seattle                velvet elvis                         lookers, sleater-kinney                                                      a

12/30          portland             la luna                                spinanes, svelte, rollerball                                     g          a      (w/ max)

1/19/96       olympia             capitol theater                     ryderwood, surf maggots                                                 a            "

1/26            bellingham        wwu                                    monomen, flake                                                   g          a            "

1/27            seattle                pioneer sq. th.                     muzzle, surf maggots                                                       a            "

2/1             eugene               wow hall                             151, surf maggots                                                            a            "

2/3             vancouver          town pump                          steelwool, sparkmarker                                         g                       "

2/3 too              "                          "                                 steelwool, the empties                                                                    "

2/9             salem                 grand theater                       vehicle, surf maggots                                                       a            "

2/14           portland             paris theater                        151, the need, sleater-kinney                                            a            "

 (4 month layoff)

6/28           portland             la luna                                 pond, vitapup, surf maggots                                            a

7/19                "                    roseland                              svelte, rattlecake, towncraft                                             a

8/2             seattle                crocodile                              united schech, juno

8/3                  "                   sit & spin                             lucky me, middle earth                                        g

8/9             portland             ej's                                       vegas beat, groovy ghoulies

 (2 month layoff)

10/4           portland             la luna                                  quasi, candy 500, semi-sweet                              g          a

10/5           seattle                sit & spin                             bali girls, ovarian trolley

10/6               "                    velvet elvis                            hyperlung, ovarian trolley                                           a

 (10/11-14 recording ariana)

10/16        portland              kboo                                                                                                                       a            f

10/19              "                    suburbia                              (nxnw: new bad things et al)                                      a

11/1          bellingham          cosmos                                foxmange, harvey danger

11/2          seattle                  moe                                     sissyface, harvey danger                                g

11/8          ellensburg           cwsc clubhouse                   pond, 1/2 acre day                                                      a

12/6          los angeles          troubador                             that dog, supersport 2000

12/7          santa monica       alligator                               muffs                                                             g

12/14        seattle                  rckcndy                               polecat, zeke, seaweed

1/9/97       anchorage            chilicoot's                           yarnkamp, supagroup                                     g

1/10                 "                   gig's                                    yarnkamp, supagroup                                                a

1/20          portland               thee o                                  heavy johnson trio                                                     a

1/21                 "                   thee o                                  josh fierman                                                               a

1/24                 "                   la luna                                 lois, petting zoo                                                          a

2/16                 "                   ozone                                                                                                                     a

2/17                 "                   thee o                                  petting zoo                                                                  a

2/23                 "                   mount hood cc                    (cable tv show)                                                            a

2/28         san francisco        bottom of the hill                fastbacks                                                         g

3/14         portland                berbati's                              semi-sweet, pond

3/15               "                      suburbia                             yellow bike, swoon 23                                                 a

4/2            san francisco        bottom of the hill                ovarian trolley, vegas beat

4/3            sacramento           press club                           ovarian trolley, ?                                                                     f

4/4            fresno                   the fulton                           the nameless, calvin crime, o.t.                         g

4/5            santa monica         alligator                             john doe, ovarian trolley

4/6           los angeles            the garage                           vag davis, calvin crime, ovarian trolley             g

4/7           anaheim                 linda's doll hut                   ovarian trolley, ?                                              x

4/9           corona                   showcase                           lucid nation, ?                                                              a

4/10         san diego               casbah                               ?                                                                       g

4/11         santa barbara          emerald city                      ?                                                                                             f

4/12         chico                      juanita's                             ?

4/18         eugene                   john henry's                       ?                                                                                            f

4/19         seattle                    crocodile                             semi-sweet, harvey danger                                                     f

 (1 month layoff)

5/30        amsterdam              august                                 ovarian trolley (laurie subs for brady)                         a        b

6/3          siegen                     uni                                                    "                                                        g           a        b

6/4          nuremberg              desi                                                   "                                                                     a        b

6/5          berlin                      tachelas                              kepone, ovarian trolley                                                  a        b

6/6          bremen                   grunenstrasse                     assassins, ovarian trolley                                  g           a        b

6/7          hanover                  korn                                    sparkmarker, ovarian trolley                                          a        b

6/9          bern                        reisschule                           ovarian trolley                                                               a         bf

6/11        basel                       irshneker                                           "                                                                     a         bf

6/13        enger                      forum                                 assassins, ovarian trolley                                  g           a

6/14        linz                        kapu                                    ovarian trolley                                                               a

6/15        vienna                    flex                                                 "                                                            g          a

6/17        pecs                       hard rak cafe                                   "                                                                        a

6/18        ljubljana                 gala hala                                         "                                                            g           a

6/20        giulianova              indhastria                            student zombies, ovarian trolley                        g           a

6/21       rome                       forte prenestino                  kundry's love, ovarian trolley                                          a

6/25       marseilles               lá côté                                 ovarian trolley                                                    g           a

6/26       onati                       gazteleku                                          "                                                           g           a

6/27       gorliz                      xurrut                                               "                                                                        a

6/28       san sebastian          mogambo                                         "                                                                         a          f

6/29       elorrio                    gaztetxea                                           "                                                                         a          f

6/30       perigeaux               radio 103                                           "                                                                        a

7/1         lyon                       pez ner                                               "                                                           g           a

7/3         groningen              vera                                                    "                                                            g          a

7/4         leuven                     s.o.j.o.                                 rapunzel, little fury things, hypno 69, o.t.                        a

7/5         amsterdam             silo                                       jerryality, ovarian trolley, ?                                              a

 (2 month layoff)

9/11      portland                  eli's                                       ovarian trolley, lookers, vegas beat

9/12      seattle                     crocodile                               ovarian trolley, plaid panties

9/13      portland                  satyricon                               ovarian trolley, no-nos

 (5 month layoff)

2/7/98   portland                 la luna                                    quasi, maroons                                                    g        a

2/13       seattle                   crocodile                                 green pajamas, love battery

 (20 month layoff)

10/15/99 portland               chinese teahouse                    (x-ray reunion: tony green et al)                          g         a

 (18 month layoff)

4/20/01   seattle                  sit & spin                                harvey danger, sunset valley                                g

4/21/01   portland              pine st. theater                          harvey danger, quasi                                           g         a

(12 month layoff)

5/2/02      new york             brownies                                the rappaport acct., blue green, palomar              g

(16 month layoff)

9/10/03   portland               laurelthirst                                pete krebs                                                                                 b

(5 month layoff)

2/14/04    portland               meow meow                            tara jane o'neil, davies vs. dresch                         g       a

(19 month layoff)

9/10/05                                crystal ballroom                      sprinkler, crackerbash, pond                                  g        a

(6 year, 4 month layoff)

1/28/12   portland               crystal hotel                              poison waters et al, a simple colony                      g                  b    (w/ donna dresch)

9/8    portland                     star theater                                pete, snowbud, dirtclodfight                                  g

9/9    seattle                        tractor tavern                             pete

(9 month layoff)

6/14/13  portland                mission theater                         tony green, few bad things, sean croghan, etc.                          b & j

7/19  portland                    isabel's birthday                         voices                                                                     g


total shows: 302.  68 without fred, 26 at la luna (a.k.a. rockcandy, pine street), 18 at the x-ray (a.k.a. thee O), 10 at the crocodile



2/16/93            l.a. - the stage at jabberjaw is so tiny, i can't help but get in pete's way. i unplug him twice. he gets pissed off.

3/25/93            oberlin - jody's sister set up the show, but the p.a. didn't work and when our soundwoman leslie chided her, jody goes, "where do you get off talking to my sister like that?" then always chivalrous pete comes to soundwoman's defense and matters escalate to the point where pete and jody do not speak for the rest of the tour.

9/19                 lincoln - all in a spirit of good fun, members of the mieces egged on by pete throw smokebombs at macho burly god & texas during the latter's set. they become enraged and stop playing and start remonstrating, but rather than conciliating, one of the mieces proceeds to break a beer bottle over the head of god & texas' henry rollins-type singer, while all hell is breaking loose, hazel runs interference and helps the mieces load out and somehow escape, leaving hazel to the unkind ministrations of the large drunk and irate rockers, but just at that moment, one of the latter spots hazel on an overhead monitor - mtv is playing our video! saving the day, for god & texas are thrilled for us and for their own proximity to commercial success - hugs all around.

2/14/94            victoria - we arranged to borrow shutdown's drum kit so we wouldn't have to smuggle ours in to canada, but their drummer had written the words "tits", "bum", and "cunt" on his drum-heads with a magic marker - i think crude drawings of same as well, and when jody saw this on the drums she was scheduled to play, she went a little - ok, a lot - ballistic. she told off the audience for good measure and we played our shortest and sloppiest set ever, and argued about what we might have done differently all the way back to portland.

2/21                 portland - a week later, on a cramped stage, and for a small and so-so audience, tempers snapped. pete announced to no one in particular, "this is our last show."

9/3                   seattle - it's the bumbershoot festival. we have about 3,000 kids and thousands more outside who can't get in. before the show, i'm making my way through the crowd when i'm stopped by a young fan who goes, "oh fred, please please please can i come up and dance on stage with you?" i say, sure, and get her to tell me her name - siobhan - and accompany me up to the stage where a security guy in a folding chair is controlling access, and introduce her to him and ask him to let her through about four songs into our set. then i completely forget about this.

our set is starting and i've misplaced my water pitcher, a crucial necessity, but note a long-forgotten 3/4 empty half-gallon popcorn tub on a table backstage and quickly invert it to leave a neat heap, when some security dude rushes up behind me and yells, "who the fuck told you to make a mess back here?" ok, so i sweep it back into the tub and dump it in a nearby garbage can, then hit the stage and empty a couple of quarts of bottled water into the now-empty tub for future use. but i can feel this guy's eyes on my back - it's unsettling to be yelled at just as you're going on - and he's strutting around like he's head of security (there's a dozen more beefy specimens between the mosh-barrier and the front of the stage), so rather than wait til later in the set as is my wont, i go straight to my kit and put on the dress, morally certain that this will annoy the heck out of this asshole. sure enough, he's watching me like a hawk, and over the next few songs does things like stand ostentatiously in front of the sound-board in case i were to decide to crash into it. though not so as you would notice, jody has followed every move in this little chess game, and halfway through the show decides to tip the balance. between songs, she asks anyone who would like to dance with us to come on up onstage and cut loose.

now, the security dude in the folding chair is all the way the other side of the stage from my antagonist, and has been primed by me and received no instructions to the contrary, so before you know it we've got 30 or 40 kids gyrating like mad all over the stage, the entire security crew looks bewildered, and my guy looks apoplectic. ok, so it goes on this way for about three songs, it's quite fabulous for all concerned - at one point i spot a pair of teens lounging serenely behind jody's drum kit, gazing into each others' eyes in total bliss - when, with no notice whatever, all 15 of the big security guys are swarming the stage and brutally dragging all the dancers off. our momentum is now at maximum and all we know to do is play on, but i can't help but notice that any of the beefy-boys who chances to pass near jody gets a thundering whack with a drumstick - and i don't need to tell you she doesn't miss a beat in the process.

alright. the band is playing hell-for-leather, i take my tub of water, add another quart of bottled so it's nice and full, and start lurching around the stage, sloshing enough out to make little puddles to slip in (this is not just to annoy - it brings on the jamesbrown shit, the jerrylewis shtick). the only thing mr. asshole can think to do, under the pretext of protecting the fancy equipment, is stride to the front of the stage and turn all of our monitors upside-down (they're the wedge-shaped speakers in front that point backwards so the musicians can hear what they're playing). like that is going to faze us at this point. i jump up on the top edge of the middle monitor and sway there precariously, settling my water-tub, now only 3/4 full, to balance on my head. am i in the zone or what? i can feel his heavy footsteps approaching from behind and get nicely relaxed for when he violently wrenches me backwards by my shirt - i guess now we know how concerned he was not to get the monitors wet. in my peripheral vision i can see a beautiful silver arc of water launch into the air, and even though he is dragging me backwards and down, the blindingly obvious thing to do is rescue my falling - and now empty - popcorn tub and position it so that it perfectly intercepts the falling cascade of shimmering liquid, spilling - really - barely a drop. crowd goes berzerk.

but in seconds, i've been dragged to the back and propelled down the steps at the side of the stage in the direction of an outside door, like a school door, whose horizontal bar i start to push open - no reason to remain in the building - when my dude can't help but get a last lick in, and kicks me hard in the small of the back, explosively projecting me out into the cool night air and the huge milling crowd of fairgoers and excluded hazel fans, not a few of whom are surprised - and yet some somehow not - to see me so propulsively appear in their midst. i'm beginning to catch my breath when from within the exhibit hall comes an indistinct rumble. it gathers coherence, and begins to sound like, "fre-ed........fre-ed........fre-ed." and then now here's pete and brady and jody, come out to find me - i hadn't heard them stop playing. and now the chant has changed. it seems to be saying, "bull........shit........bull........shit." and now here are some official-looking men in suits approaching. they're asking us to come back and finish, but i demur, saying that that guy would never let us. the men seem kind of urgent, and the rumble from within seems to be incrementally swelling. "oh - he won't be bothering you anymore," they insist, so we go back in to be greeted by the wildest of tumults, note the looks of naked fear receding from the faces of our phalanx of unnecessary and incompetent "security", and finish out our set in suitably ass-kicking meltdown.

as i'm packing up my gear afterwards, three different men in suits, apparently representing three strata of authority, one-by-one approach and sincerely apologize. then my guy comes up and apologizes too. undoubtedly under orders, and sheerly to avoid litigation, but that's ok, it is nevertheless exquisite.

(i wondered at the timely appearance of the suits - kind of unprecedented - but was soon to learn that the second the man laid hands on me, both my sister and brady's brother - who don't know each other - cut fast through the crowd and up to the stage. lawyers they are.)

3/13/95            grand rapids - i am too fatigued and squirrely to play the show, but rather than consent to drop me off and meet me in detroit, my bandmates throw a collective snit and i just ditch them anyway.

3/18                 providence - pete approaches me before our set and says, "fred, you know how I've always asked you to make a special effort not to invade my space during the show?" "uh-huh" "well, I've been thinking about it a lot and I've decided that i trust you now - it's been 4 years - so, like, go ahead and feel free from now on. go for it - i can deal." joyous day! i'm speechless with gratitude to have earned his hard-won trust. in the event, while he's singing i gently remove his hat. He immediately stops the song and angrily demands that I return it. was I set up or what? to make things worse, and compound my wounded self-disgust, when backstage after the set Pete comes up to apologize, I completely lose it and tear him a new asshole in front of all our tour-mates, frozen in mid-conversation, so now it's pete everyone feels sorry for.

 4/1                   st. petersburg - pete is adamant that i should shoulder more than my share of transport costs so i shriek hysterically at him. the next night, in orlando, right before going on, we reconcile.

4/7/97 (two)     anaheim - the stage is the size of a postage stamp, so i'm climbing up on something and accidently pop a crumbling acoustic panel out of the false ceiling. i immediately replace it, but the owner/bartender leaps over the bar and starts threatening me - it's obvious that what really bugs him is my beautiful dress. the set ends prematurely and in disarray.

                        the next morning, jody asks, "should we keep this room for tonight, or get another one closer to the club?" i give a brief defense of one alternative - i forget now which it was - so jody hurls a bunch of her standard abuse at me, but i decide not to have any and get right in her face and give her what for, punctuating my words with little blows to the telephone on her bed with the bungee cord that happens to be in my hand. each time it hits, the phone gives a very satisfying little ding!

6/21                 rome - two-thirds of the way through our set, two drunk men directly in front are harassing jody with increasingly hostile shouts, looks, and gestures, so she stops playing and calls through her mic for security to come take them out. 2000 boys are waiting. lots of cat-calls, no response from the forte authorities. so she goes, "would some macho lesbians - we know you're out there! - would some macho lesbians please come up here and remove these fucking drunken assholes?" and i swear it is not 5 seconds before a couple of calm buff-looking women are at the scene and commencing to instruct the trouble-makers. of course now, "real" security guys arrive, and amid some yelling escort the jerks out.



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